While we generally write about all things health and wellness here, I thought it might be a fun venture (for me) to change it up a bit.
Each day this month, I’m sharing something that I want my boys to know about me. Things about their mama that have made me who I am today… places I’ve traveled, experiences I’ve been through and people I’ve met along the way. The plan is to print these out at the end of the month and stash copies in each one of my boys’ “baby books” (the second child’s is COMPLETELY empty, so at least this will be something in it).
Right around my first kid’s first birthday, we were super surprised to find out we were pregnant.
After getting to see the little one in an ultrasound at about 10 weeks, it really started to sink it. It was a joy to think of my boy having another sibling so close in age. I have many friends with kids super close in age, and I’ve always thought it’d be neat.
The next 6 weeks were a weird time as I knew I was pregnant, I was thrilled to be pregnant, yet I didn’t feel pregnant.
I’ll fast forward through the sad, scary details and say that on the Fourth of July, three years ago, I miscarried our little one. I was 16 weeks pregnant, and have strong reasons to believe our baby was a little girl.
It’s strange to lose something you never felt you really had. It’s been my main glimpse of grief here on this Earth.
What I want my boys to know, is although we won’t meet her here on Earth, they have a beautiful little sister safe and whole in Heaven.
I want my boys to know that sometimes in life things will happen that you never expected to happen to you. It’s easy to float along sometimes feeling like you’re invisible from the pain and sadness in this world… until something hits you like a ton of bricks.
It’ll happen. It’s bound to.
And while I don’t believe in living in fear of the unknown, I want my boys to be aware that many of the people we see every day are hurting. Be kind to people. Love on people. Be generous.
It’s good to remind myself of this, too. Everyone has a story, and you never really know how your positive word or action might be a glimmer of hope in someone’s day.
I do often wonder what she would have looked like. Both my boys have great heads of hair, so I imagine she’d have the same. I’m not a girly girl, but I can imagine dresses galore.
My friend who recently lost a child said that losing her son has made her less scared of death. Although my situation is much different, I resonate with that.
I want my kids to know that sometimes life will be confusing, and that’s okay. It’s confusing to have the pain of losing a child, lumped in with the tremendous joy of the child who was born after her. I’m assuming parents who’ve gone through this know what I mean.
Once my boys are a little older, I look forward to them knowing more about their sister, what we named her and the impact she’s had on their mama.
Until tomorrow, Abby